Almost every woman I know has heard some version of this at some point in her life. Too loud. Too quiet. Too emotional. Too reserved. Too assertive. Too ambitious. The message is always the same: you are too much of something, or not enough of something else.
For me, this started when I was a young child. I was curious, asked a lot of questions, and wanted to understand things. But curiosity was sometimes interpreted as being rude. Don't question, just do. Looking back now, I realize how many of those early messages quietly shape how we move through the world for years, sometimes decades.
For a long time, I was trying to figure out how to not be too anything. Too quiet. Too loud. Too thoughtful. Too abrasive. It depended on the context. It really was not until my late 30s and early 40s that I began to feel more comfortable in my own skin. And honestly, a big part of that shift came from finding my people, the spaces where I could simply be. No constant self-editing. No wondering if I was too much. Just space to exist as myself. It is incredibly peaceful in this place now.
The Double Bind
Women are often navigating a set of expectations that do not always make sense together. It is a bit like being asked to hit a moving target. And when the target keeps shifting, it is easy to start questioning yourself. You start wondering: am I too direct? Should I soften this? Should I say less? Should I just stay quiet?
What they ask for
Be confident
Be warm
Speak up
Be ambitious
But not too much
Not intimidating
Still authoritative
Do not dominate
Not too ambitious
Over time, many women learn to dial themselves down. But here is the irony: the same qualities that sometimes get labelled as too much are often the exact qualities that make someone a strong leader. Many women spend years trying to become smaller versions of themselves. Leadership often requires the opposite.
The same qualities that get labelled as too much are often the exact qualities that make someone a strong leader.
The Too Nice Leadership Trap
One of the too's that has followed me as a leader is being too nice. For a long time, I found it really difficult to discipline people or offer critique. I did not want to hurt people or make things uncomfortable. Then someone said something to me that stopped me in my tracks: not offering feedback or critique to your staff, employees, or mentees is actually selfish.
It stung. But it is true. When we avoid those conversations, it is usually because we want to stay comfortable. And our comfort can unintentionally prevent someone else's growth. That realization changed how I approached leadership. Will I ever feel completely comfortable giving difficult feedback? Probably not. But I do not avoid it anymore.
What Does It Mean to Take Up Space?
Recently, I sat on a panel during Black History Month at Huron University. The theme was Taking Up Space. Someone asked me what that phrase meant to me. My answer was simple: be in the space. Be there even if you are the first. Be there even if you are the only. Be there and believe you deserve to be there. Have your voice heard. Take up space.
Taking up space often requires emotional labour. When you are the first or the only in a space, you can feel hyper-visible. You may feel pressure to represent others well. You may find yourself constantly monitoring your tone, your words, and how you are being perceived. That can be exhausting. Which is exactly why your ecosystem matters so much.
Your Ecosystem Matters
One of the most important things you can develop in your life and career is your network of support. Because when you are surrounded by the right people, you do not have to spend so much energy wondering if you are too much. You can simply show up as yourself.
People who encourage you when you need it most
People who challenge you to grow beyond your comfort zone
People who hold space for you without judgment
People who remind you who you are when the world tries to tell you otherwise
A Simple Leadership Check
The next time you receive feedback about being too something, try asking yourself these three questions. They help separate useful feedback from expectations rooted in bias or discomfort. Not all feedback is wrong. But not all feedback should define you either.
Expanding the Space
Organizations today need leaders who are willing to ask difficult questions, challenge assumptions, advocate for fairness, and push for change. Those things rarely happen when everyone is trying to stay quiet and agreeable. Organizations grow when leaders are willing to expand norms, not shrink themselves to fit them. And sometimes expanding those norms simply begins with showing up and taking up space.
Organizations grow when leaders expand norms, not when they shrink themselves to fit them.
An Invitation
If you are looking for a space where women can reflect on leadership, challenge expectations, and support one another's growth, I want to invite you to learn more about StratX. StratX is a leadership circle built by women, for women who want to think strategically about their lives and careers while supporting one another along the way. Because confidence grows faster when we build it together. Reach out at hello@awlpartners.com to learn more.
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You're Not the Boss of Me: Slaying Your Inner Critic