We Need to Stop Applauding Exhausted Women.

You know her. You might be her.

She is the most competent person in the room. She is juggling eleven balls and somehow none of them are hitting the floor. She gets the promotion, runs the committee, remembers the birthday, answers the email at 10:47 pm. Everyone says the same thing about her: I don't know how she does it.

Here is what nobody sees.

She may not be enjoying any of it. She is on autopilot. She is close to tears more often than she would ever admit, and she will not let herself cry because crying takes time and she does not have any.

This kind of burnout does not look like falling apart. It looks like a highlight reel.

And by the time anyone notices, her body has usually already filed the complaint.

I know this woman well. I have been her.

Later I will tell you about the one regret I carry from those years. But first, let's talk about how to catch burnout before it catches you.

The Tells You Explain Away

Burnout almost never announces itself. It shows up as small things you have a perfectly reasonable excuse for.

Here are the ones I see most in my practice.

You stopped seeing your friends. Not because you had a falling out. You just have no time. You will catch up when things calm down. (Things never calm down.)

You feel guilty when you rest. You finally sit on the couch and within minutes there is a voice listing everything you should be doing instead.

Your Sunday night dread starts on Saturday. The weekend is not a break anymore. It is a countdown.

You cannot be in the moment. You are at your kid's game or at dinner with someone you love, and your mind is already three tasks ahead.

If you nodded at two or more of those, keep reading. Carefully.

The Fork or the Spoon

Want to know when it has gone too far?

Here is the tell I watch for in my clinical work.

Not big decisions. Tiny ones.

Should I use a fork or a spoon? What do I want for dinner? Which email do I answer first?

Making one more choice feels physically painful, like the part of your brain that chooses has simply clocked out.

If you have ever stood in front of an open fridge close to tears because you could not decide what to eat, your mind is telling you it is out of gas.

Meet the Voice That Keeps You Going

Every burnout story has a narrator.

She sounds like this:

That is your inner critic, and in burnout she wears two hats at once: part Perfectionist, part People-Pleaser.

Together they will run you straight into the ground and hand you a gold star on the way down.

That part is your job.

We Were Taught to Juggle It All

Women have been handed a lot of messages.

You can have it all.

Women fought so you could sit at this table, so be grateful.

Be ambitious, but don't neglect anyone.

Be successful, but still be available.

Be strong, but don't make anyone uncomfortable.

And somewhere along the way, gratitude quietly became obligation, and having it all started to mean doing it all, alone, and smiling.

We also reward women for being the one who can handle it.

The dependable one. The accommodating one. The one who remembers. The one who steps in. The one who figures it out. The one who doesn't need anything.

And when she does all of that exceptionally well, what do we give her?

So yes, we need to learn to set boundaries. But we should also be asking why so many women have learned that their value is connected to how much they can carry without inconveniencing anyone else.

No one who looks like she does it all is doing it alone. If it looks effortless, you are not seeing the whole picture.

My Honest Confession

I have approached burnout more times than I can count.

So let me tell you about the one sacrifice I actually regret.

Five years into my career I went back to school for my Master's. I was a single mom, driving an hour and a half each way between London and Hamilton. By the end I hated highway driving so much I felt dread before I even got in the car.

But that degree opened doors, and I am grateful for it.

It is what came later that I regret.

After I got married, I needed an outlet. So I got into entrepreneurship.

Then came two more children, and I hustled right through it.

Oh, did I hustle.

I told myself I was doing it for my kids. And partly I was.

But honestly? I was also doing it for me. For a break from a job I was starting to hate and a young family that needed everything I had.

I was in robot mode, asking myself, "Is this it?" about my whole life.

It cost me.

My marriage took a hit. I missed memories with my two youngest. That whole season is a blur because I was too busy hustling to actually be there for it.

I made some choices I am not proud of, looking for something better when what I really needed was to be present in the life I already had.

Here is what I know now.

The opportunity does not vanish because you took a breath.

And chasing is not the same as working toward a goal.

One pulls you forward. The other just keeps you running.

So, Who Are You Really Doing This For?

I hear it constantly.

"I'm so busy."

"Who needs sleep?"

Said with a little sigh and a little pride.

Underneath it is often the belief that everything will fall apart without you.

The world has survived worse than your inbox sitting unanswered until Monday.

So if you are wearing your exhaustion like a badge of honour, I have one question for you.

Sometimes, underneath all that busyness, there is something older and quieter.

Something to prove.

A fear of being ordinary.

Maybe a belief that your value comes from being needed.

Or maybe staying busy keeps you from having to sit with whatever shows up when things get still.

I cannot tell you what it is for you.

But I do think it is worth getting curious about.

Get Quiet Enough to Hear Yourself

I am not going to tell you to take a bubble bath.

And I am not going to pretend that journaling will fix burnout.

Sometimes what needs to change is your workload. Your boundaries. The expectations being placed on you. The support you are receiving. Your workplace. Your relationships. Sometimes you may need support from a professional.

But before you can change something, you have to be able to see it.

And that requires enough quiet to hear yourself.

For me, one of the best ways to create that quiet is journaling.

Not the first page. The first page is usually the grocery list of your feelings.

Keep going.

The real story shows up when you get deep into it.

Some people tell me all they write about is the negative. That is telling you something needs to change.

Others say they have nothing to write. That is telling you something too. Maybe you have gotten so good at not feeling that a lot is waiting underneath.

And if you are thinking, "I do not have five minutes to journal?"

Chile - that is telling you the most of all.

Start with a voice note in the car before you walk in the door. Talk it out. Go for a walk without filling every second with noise. Talk to someone you trust. Find whatever gives you enough space to actually hear what is going on inside of you.

Once you can find the five minutes, maybe you move to paper.

The point is not pretty pages.

And awareness can be painful.

But it is the doorway to actually being happy instead of just looking successful.